Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
