Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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