I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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