thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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