I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
