I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
