There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
