i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
