You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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