He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
