I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
