Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
