remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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