I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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