I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize