all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Life is so much better after having sex.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
