dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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