Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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