yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
