fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
