and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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