mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize