OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just found a bag of teeth...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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