Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
