Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
