dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
