I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
