I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
