Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize