This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
