Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
