I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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