Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
