Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
