Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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