dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
