You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Randomize
