is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
