She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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