So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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