omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
