Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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