I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
