hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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