My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
