he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
