I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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