pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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