remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
