maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
