I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
