SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
