...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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