i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
