He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
is wine microwaveable?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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