I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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