Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
