His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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