Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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