Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As shirtless as possible
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
